It’s ok if you don’t love me

or like me

or respect me

like I always thought you would.

“Mother Teresa’s life shows us that holiness can be reached by simple means. Starting by loving the unloved, the unwanted, the lonely closest to us, in our own homes, in our communities and neighborhoods, we can follow her example of loving until it hurts, of doing always a little more than we feel ready to do.” 1

So large was her teaching. She doesn’t speak of the fallout when you do love those considered unworthy of an equal love experience. She doesn’t warn of the depth of despair that accompanies the rejection created by attempts to love completely and honestly. Still, her lessons are valid and her student’s efforts are valid. All feelings are valid.

It’s ok if you don’t love me

or like me

or respect me

like I thought I wanted to be loved.

“Pity is another way we keep suffering at arm’s length. We may let in a little of someone’s pain, but never enough to threaten our own self-control. We may feel a little moved to respond to the suffering – we’d feel guilty or uncomfortable if we didn’t – be we’d like to get it all over with as soon as possible and get on with our own affairs. Compassion and pity are different. Whereas compassion reflects the yearning of the heart to merge and take on some of the suffering, pity is a controlled set of thoughts designed to assure separateness. Compassion is the spontaneous response of love; pity, the involuntary reflex of fear.” 2

Lessons create more lessons. I could have retreated from my choices. To remain within the range of your expectations, I could have offered a dishonest apology for doing my best to learn to love in the purest way possible. But, no, I also always wanted to teach by example and it just wouldn’t do to move backwards. Yet I have compassion for you too. Your fear keeps you from the most natural and deepest love. That love is still here waiting for your fear to subside.

It’s ok if you don’t love me

or like me

or respect me

like it would have been nice to have experienced.

“What our personalities have learned, the maturity we have developed, and even all the healing we have accomplished for them is no longer enough for our souls. We are being given an opportunity to come to our spiritual awareness through our relationships. We are being invited to move from falling in love to loving, from romance to true love, from relationships that are an undertaking of the personality to unions that are illuminated by the soul. A journey we started as personalities we are now being asked to finish as souls. This will mean many things. First, giving up the idea that “a relationship” will be perfect; second, most likely, having more than one significant relationship in a lifetime; third, breaking out of the forms as we have known for them; fourth, loving more, in different ways, with perhaps a less personal and certainly a less self-involved focus; and fifth, operating from spiritual principles day to day in our relationships.” 3

Ironically, it seems that the deeper the pain, the larger the potential for healing and growth. I wonder if there is a pain deeper than being deprived of this love, caring and respect. We all experience great pain but then something happens and we feel even more pain than we even imagined possible. Do I hope for the love? Yes, but I also accept what is. I honor the human spirit; yours and mine.

It’s ok if you don’t love me

or like me

or respect me

because I still love you

because I love what connects us all

because I love life

because I am love.

“In view of the possibility of finding meaning in suffering, life’s meaning is an unconditional one, at least potentially. That unconditional meaning, however, is paralleled by the unconditional value of each and every person. It is that which warrants the indelible quality of the dignity of man.” 4

“I suspect we can all remember words we spoke or things we did when we were angry that we felt justified in doing at the time and now wish we could take back, or we at least wish we could convince people that those words and deeds don’t accurately reflect the kind of people we are.” 5

“Notice what your mind is actually doing now. You don’t have to seek to do this. You’re already fully equipped. You don’t have to go anywhere or do anything special. Simply make just seeing your intention. That’s all. To awaken is not to hold the idea of awakening. You can’t practice waking up. And you can’t fake it or imitate it. You have to actually want to wake up. You’re the one you can count on. You’re not other-dependent. Everything you need is here now. Just rely on thus—immediate, direct experience. You’re the final authority. Whether you awaken or not is completely up to you.” 6

A childhood experience of instability with a different school and new classmates every year provides different challenges than a childhood experience in the same home within the same school system. But still, in spite of the deepest caring and best intentions, there are no guarantees. None. We get born into families that are the vessel of our future life themes. It might be easy to think that we would be happier or better off if our challenges were a different set of challenges. But, some people who suffered extreme childhood abuse and neglect live as loving, compassionate and caring adults. Some who were showered with attention and love are weighed down to ice cold silence by their life themes. Again, there are no guarantees. None. There are only choices. I choose love.

I hope that we can again find that deep mutual love we once shared.


    By: Daphne Rose Kingma

God of light Who calls us into being,

    Who guards us on our way,

We pray for peace in our hearts in this season

    Of the transformation of our relationships,

    Of upheaval, of crumbling, of falling away.

As our relationships pass like sand through our fingers,

May we be blessed with the grace to know,

That this falling apart is, in truth,

Our journey of coming together,

Of finally returning home.

May we be startled awake by the memory of love,

The One Great Love that called us into being,

And is our only real destination.

May we have the strength to give up our search for “the one”,

Because, all together, we are The One,

And You are the True Beloved,

The ever-awaiting One,

Who allows us to move from love to love,

Knowing that You, our true selves,

Will always be there to meet us.

May we be released from the agony

Of wanting, hoping, dreaming, expecting.

May we instead be brought into the present moment

Of acceptance, grace and simplicity,

Knowing that the sweet breath of love we breathe

In each relationship

Is the breath of the One Great Love.

Allow us to see that love is eternal,

Show us again and again

That love is larger than all its forms.

And may we go through these seasons of change,

In a state of surrender, of joy,

With the exact and perfect trust

That every step is ordained for a beautiful reason.

God of light Who calls us into being,

We pray for joy, for wisdom and compassion

    In the relationships that we do have.

We pray for the willingness to grow,

For we want to be grander than we already are.

We pray for the sacred water of the One,

For our baptism, for our cleansing,

And our healing,

For our melting, for our joining.

We pray for light, for both inner and outer illumination,

For the brilliance to see, to know, and to feel,

To imagine and to remember

That You are with us each step of the way,

That we are not alone.

We pray for appreciation, acceptance, and forgiveness

Of all the steps, and missteps, and sidesteps

That we have taken on the long journey

That will bring us to our sweet reunion,

That will finally carry us back home.

                 1. Brian Kolodiejchuk, M. (2007). Mother Teresa Come Be My Light. New York: Doubleday. p. 338.

2. Gorman, R. D. (1985). How Can I Help? New York, NY: Random House. p. 61 – 62.

3. Kingma, D. R. (1998). The Future of Love. New York, NY: Doubleday. p. 24 – 25.

4. Frankl, V. E. (1984). Man’s Search For Meaning. New York, NY: Pocket Books. p. 176.

5. Kushner, H. S. (2001). Living a Life That Matters. New York, NY: Alfred A. Knopf. p. 44.

6. Hagen, S. (1997). Buddhism Plain and Simple. Boston, Massachusetts: Tuttle Publishing. p. 152 – 153.

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2 responses to “IT’S OK IF YOU DON’T LOVE ME”

  1. Healing Conversations says :

    Thank you for visiting and following Conversations with Healers. I am appreciating getting to know you.

    • leazengage says :

      Thanks so much. Not only is blogging wonderful for sharing, we also have an opportunity to meet and get to know a lot of very amazing and interesting people. All the best to you!

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